I Don’t Have All the Answers, but I Know What I Know: First Things First

I would like to preface this by saying I don’t and won’t proclaim to have all the answers on these things called love and relationship.  My vantage point is based on my perceptions and experiences. Fortunately, I have gone through enough EXPERIENCES! LOL  I have had some loving and nurturing relationships and I have had some very bad relationships!  But what has been the foundational difference between simply having these experiences and being able to learn from them has been my relationship with the Lord. 

I don’t intend this to be a 40 day series of pep talk on learning to “love yourself” or to advance the church cliché “wait on the Lord”.  Not that this won’t be stated or that any of these things are wrong.  I do feel like, however, there is something more substantial that should be said…even ministered to people who are solid in their faith, walking in their purpose and living their best life and still has not been properly suited…with a mate that is.

Before we go any further I want to do a little house cleaning…by saying that being single is not God’s way of punishing you; it is not Karma rewarding you for past relationships that you have done somebody wrong in; it is not because there is something “wrong” with you and most importantly, He is not withholding because you don’t deserve a mate yet… Who doesn’t deserve to be loved? Why would he withhold companionship when He is the one who came up with the idea that man should not be alone? And just in case you have never been told any of these things or have never had these thoughts GOOD for you! But most of us have…

I remember thinking when I first rededicated my life to Christ, “oh, Lawd! If I can’t fornicate then I HAVE to get married!” LOL …Up until that point I never really desired to be a wife, I was okay with being a girlfriend as long as I was the only girlfriend.  Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE “love” and treasure the value of loyalty in relationships and family but I didn’t understand the spiritual structure of “marriage” and since I didn’t, I wasn’t missing anything by not having it or desiring it. 

Both my parents had been married, not to each other but married *smile* My mother, who was my primary custodian was divorced.  My dad was married  but because I didn’t live with him, I didn’t have an example of that in my day to day living.  My initial imprint of love and relationship was formed… Men get married; women don’t...SELAH (for all my friends who know Christianese and good Bible language...LOL)

But if we all take a few minutes to reflect on what was our relationship roots, we will see that they play a pivotal role on how we develop our relationships and even how we view commitment and marriage.  So what do you see?  Do you see how your first relationships communicated what you now perceive as your expectations, desires, and even your own feelings of inadequacies?  This is important, because being able to allow the Lord to examine you helps you identify some of the relationship patterns so He can begin the work in you.

I know, I said this wasn’t going to be the standard pep talk on learning to love you and it isn’t! I will offer this; have you learned to acknowledge the love that already surrounds you? 

Most times we look for “love” based on those first perceptions of what love should be; what love should do and how love should make us feel. Not recognizing on a consistent basis that we are surrounded by LOVE!  His love! Manifested in a billion ways. 

If you think along the lines that He promised to supply all of our needs, then surely you must know and  He will supply your need to be loved and your need to love. But recognizing this love is difficult because of those imprints of the first relationships and what the world says to us about relationships.  So if we can’t see it surely we can’t apply it, which makes appropriating the love that we need to give even the more challenging.

Marital status from forever has been a form of social status.  It is still true that men who are married are perceived to be more stable than say his single counter-part; and a woman who is married is perceived to be a good home maker and resourceful. But this is so not the case, you don’t know how many people who are married who are jacked up from the floor up and don’t have a CLUE on what a God covenant marriage really is and yes…I do mean people in the church.  

Singleness as this stigma…that if you are in fact single and it is not by choice, then there must be something wrong with you.  It is the unspoken statement that, “You, being however many plus years and have not been able to cultivate a relationship that affirms these qualities and values in you!?!?”  And you can say, “No, I know that I am virtuous or I know I am a man of valor” all you want!  But if you’re the only person in your cheerleading squad, that rant will get tired quick and so will you.  And will begin to question, why hasn’t this happened for me?

Which leads to doubts of who we are, what we are worth, even God’s love for us. These misconceptions of who we are and what we really need can easily get skewed as we respond to that urgency of the need of validation.  The misapplication of love and the overwhelming desire to be loved sometimes causes us to barter.  Often offering too much of ourselves for things that we already have access to and simply don’t know it.

Just take the rest of the evening to marinate on these thoughts and please comment!  Again, I don’t have all the answers… managing this single saved life is not cookie cutter.  There are some similarities we have in this but we all have the foundational experiences in love and life that make managing this stage life unique.  And though scary at times, it can be beautiful… and this I know!