I Don't Have All the Answers but, I Know What I Know: Preparing for the Promise (A Lesson in Faith)

Yesterday’s blog was GOOOOD!!! LOL…  If I must say so myself!

No really….for me it reminded me that though I am responsible for preparing myself for my promise (love & marriage) it is nothing that I earn!  Because love is not merited on good works, it is freely given. When I think about the years of trying to impress God and prove to Him that I was worthy!  When He was trying to get me to see that I was worthy simply because He made me! And that I am worthy of real love!

After I posted the blog last night I thought some of the teaching on preparing to be a wife or preparing to be married that I have heard and I am not saying that preparing is not essential it is just not a prerequisite of being loved… and I think we with the microphones miss that when trying to minister to the single saved.  I am actually grateful on this end of the journey that He didn’t reward my efforts with respect to allowing me to think I had done something to earn it. 

What comes to mind is this thought, “if you enter into a marriage believing that you earned it you will treat is as a trophy and not as a ministry”...  Good right?!?!  We save that topic for a little later LOL

But let’s dive into this preparation thing a little more first…  See, I had previously approached preparation in fear and not faith.  I didn’t do it in belief that He was going to reward me, I prepared in fear that He wouldn’t find me worthy or that I didn’t qualify…  So for however many years, I had been operating in what I thought was faith but it was actually fear.  This is probably why I couldn’t be consistent with my preparation or faithful in my waiting… 

I would have these dips…3 months then dip…6 months, 9 months, 1 year then dip… because when nothing would manifest I would get discouraged that after doing my best, that my best wasn’t good enough!  Not for a man, but for God!  See, I can get a man, that is not my issue LOL …It was getting the RIGHT man!  Receiving the man that my life requires… and for a long time I didn’t see myself as being worthy of having that kind of man IN my life…because I surely I didn’t measure up to all the things people said I needed to be, and surely I didn’t measure up because if I had then wouldn’t the Lord have rewarded my efforts by now???  If I was doing everything that I was supposed to do, going to church, serving in ministry, paying my tithes, fasting, praying fasting THEN wouldn’t He see I was ready and reward me with the man that my life required….  And since I had done all I knew right and He didn’t reward… I had figured it was because; I just wasn’t good enough for “that” kind of man! Holy Ghost filled, sanctified, fire baptized, walking up right, speaking in tongues, prayer warring, intellectual kind of man!

So I found myself, attracting myself… when I really reflect, most of the men that I loved, I LOVED because I could see me in them.  I could see the pain of rejection, them wanting to be loved, accepted, affirmed and found worthy of love and loyalty!  Since I could identify with that pain, I wanted to give them what no one had given me, love without merit!  Not realizing that it was “house of mirrors effect” …whereby seeing myself was the inevitable trap only for the moment I thought I saw my way out, I would just keep running back into…myself!  Haven’t you ever wondered why you keep attracting the same person, just with different names?!?! LOL …I am laughing but I am so serious!

Not realizing that as saved as I was, as Holy Ghost filled as I was, as anointed as I was… what I WAS was still broken…  I had not removed the burial clothes that had me bound.  It is THIS mindset that is fueled by fear but not by faith!

What comes to mind is a sermon I heard preached by Pastor Dexter Nutall (New Bethel Baptist, Washington, DC)…

His sermon text was from the book of I Samuel chapter one.  If you are not familiar with the history of the text, I will try my best to give you the abbreviated version…. Here you have a young woman by the name of Hannah.  Hannah is married to a very prominent man by the name of Elkanah.  We know that Elkanah was wealthy because he didn’t have just one wife but he had two wives.  And though he loved Hannah, she could not give him any children.  Because the other wife was fertile, she liked to taunt Hannah.  This was very upsetting to Hannah. Even though she knew her husband loved her she still felt unfulfilled… 

Year after year, Hannah would go and bring sacrifices to the house of the Lord and pray in hopes that God would hear her and respond by giving her a child.  But year after year, she was no closer to receiving what she wanted than she was the year before.  Around the 7^th verse, you find Hannah in a place of complete devastation… her countenance was sorrowful; she wouldn’t eat and couldn’t stop crying.  Hannah again goes to the house of God to lay her petition at the altar and she continued to pray and cry.  The priest, Eli, heard her and after some dialogue around the matter, he told her to go in peace and that she would conceive.  Immediately she stopped crying, her countenance was lifted and went back home eating and drinking…it was not before long she conceived and gave birth to the promise.

 

Often when the message is preached the focus is put on the vow (that act of commitment, the human participation/work of effort presented to God) that Hannah makes the last time at the altar.  But what Pastor Nutall suggested during his sermon is that had Hannah responded in faith the way she did when Eli, the priest, said that her prayer was heard by leaving with a lifted countenance, without fear or doubt that God’s delay was not a denial, the first time she had gone to the altar maybe she would not have to experienced the delay in the manifestation… An observation often overlooked but essential in the exchange… SEE, Eli’s proclamation to Hannah, was in fact, the change agent because He allowed her to HEAR! Because faith comes by hearing… the word Eli spoke gave Hannah faith to believe, freeing her to act in faith by waiting patiently and not responding to the absence of the manifestation in fear.  We are sometime so bound up in the grave’s clothes… bound by what we think we need to do to earn the blessing of God we can’t hear Him proclaiming the promise…

What did you hear Him say the last time you left the altar? Did you leave in confidence that He has heard your petition or did you walk away trying to figure out what you can say or do next in order to get His attention to respond?  Maybe, just maybe He doesn’t want you to offer Him anything other than your heart.  Maybe He just wants you to get up from your prayer post hearing His promise of provision over your life…believing that He knows what you need and why you need it.  And maybe, just maybe He is waiting for you to respond in faith!!!  Because love made perfect really does cast out fear!

I don’t have all the answer, but I know…what I know!

I Don't Have All the Answers but, I Know What I Know: Can't Buy Me Love

 It seems so simple… a healthy thriving relationship between two adults who are responsible, mature and focused on building and uplifting one another.  A team, a partnership.  What is so difficult in obtaining that, why is something that would seem to be a normal…reasonable even, right?  So why would the Lord withhold?  If it is not punishment, if I am responsible enough to handle everything else I am charged with like finances, a career, and ministry, what makes marriage so “important” that I have not been deemed eligible to receive it? 

I had made the statement on Monday that the Lord is not holding over your head your past or any failures for that matter to say you are not worthy.  I am currently a pre-law student.  In some of my foundational legal classes we learned the importance of properly applying case precedence.  Case precedence is the legal decision that forms the authoritative rule of future cases that are of a similar nature.  So if in fact perfection was a requirement to be loved….no one would be.  If dotting all the eyes and crossing all the tees was the prerequisite then there would be very few relationships or marriages for that matter.

Remember when I suggested that our history/first relationships have established our preferences, be it consciously or subconsciously…We have this image in our minds of what we “need” to be or do to qualify. That is why we think or say things like, “ If I make more money, then I will find the perfect wife…if I get my credit together then the Lord will bless me with a husband…if I lose weight…if I drove a better car…if I dressed more provocative…if I…”

Not that having good credit is not important, or that being employed and self-sufficient shouldn’t be a priority.  The point that I am getting at is, trying to “become” what you think you should be or what you have been told you need to be to prove to God you’re ready for a mate…won’t work!  You will be frustrated, disappointed and ultimately resent the Lord for what you have been told/thought you needed to be to receive.  

YOU CAN’T EARN LOVE!  Love accepts you as you are, loves you in spite of your flaws, LOVE covers a multitude of sin…. So the thought that you need to be anything other than simply you to be loved is absurd!

Having good credit and being financially stable help make marriage more pleasant but they are not requirements… Having a degree is nice, establishing yourself in your career helps you develop your sense of purpose and is proof of your drive, intellect and tenacity but is not a REQUIREMENT for love! 

And maybe that is it, for some…Learn what love is by letting LOVE love you! Let love heal you, let love liberate you, let love grow you and groom you! Let LOVE overshadow you until you are soo filled up that you are oozing with its afterglow…. And if you ask where is this love, it is all around you.  It is in the kind words spoken by a friend, a hug from a child, His provision and providence over your life that you didn’t merit but He gave simply because He loves you.  And rest in that assurance that LOVE never fails!  In time… you will have a physical expression of that love but until then, let HIM love you!

I Don't Have All the Answers, but I Know What I Know: Never Alone

On my way in to work this morning, I was praying about what He would have me to share with those on this journey...I wrestled with what would be the perfect follow-up for yesterday's installation.  And as I pondered my approach to writing this next blog this song dropped in my spirit...You Will Never Walk Alone

So I am driving and looking up this song on YouTube (I know I know)...the first one I found was of soccer game; the team had their heads down, looking defeated and you can hear the crowd begin to sing the lyrics to the song as the camera panned to different shots of the team and the crowd.... you could feel the love and encouragement. It was so moving and encouraging to know that when you are feeling your worst someone still believes in you.

My next find was this beautiful operatic version and it sounded soothing and reassuring...BUT then I came across Mother Mahalia!!!! And LAWD! Then came the tears. Because sometimes you just need to know that He not just cares, that He is not JUST aware but that HE is with you.  And without me telling Him what I wanted, when I wanted, and how... He just showed up to simply remind me that He knows what I need...

Today, the Lord just wants to remind you that though there may be times you cant physically see of feel someone with you to help manage the day to day struggles of life...my friend, you are NEVER ALONE!

I Don’t Have All the Answers, but I Know What I Know: First Things First

I would like to preface this by saying I don’t and won’t proclaim to have all the answers on these things called love and relationship.  My vantage point is based on my perceptions and experiences. Fortunately, I have gone through enough EXPERIENCES! LOL  I have had some loving and nurturing relationships and I have had some very bad relationships!  But what has been the foundational difference between simply having these experiences and being able to learn from them has been my relationship with the Lord. 

I don’t intend this to be a 40 day series of pep talk on learning to “love yourself” or to advance the church cliché “wait on the Lord”.  Not that this won’t be stated or that any of these things are wrong.  I do feel like, however, there is something more substantial that should be said…even ministered to people who are solid in their faith, walking in their purpose and living their best life and still has not been properly suited…with a mate that is.

Before we go any further I want to do a little house cleaning…by saying that being single is not God’s way of punishing you; it is not Karma rewarding you for past relationships that you have done somebody wrong in; it is not because there is something “wrong” with you and most importantly, He is not withholding because you don’t deserve a mate yet… Who doesn’t deserve to be loved? Why would he withhold companionship when He is the one who came up with the idea that man should not be alone? And just in case you have never been told any of these things or have never had these thoughts GOOD for you! But most of us have…

I remember thinking when I first rededicated my life to Christ, “oh, Lawd! If I can’t fornicate then I HAVE to get married!” LOL …Up until that point I never really desired to be a wife, I was okay with being a girlfriend as long as I was the only girlfriend.  Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE “love” and treasure the value of loyalty in relationships and family but I didn’t understand the spiritual structure of “marriage” and since I didn’t, I wasn’t missing anything by not having it or desiring it. 

Both my parents had been married, not to each other but married *smile* My mother, who was my primary custodian was divorced.  My dad was married  but because I didn’t live with him, I didn’t have an example of that in my day to day living.  My initial imprint of love and relationship was formed… Men get married; women don’t...SELAH (for all my friends who know Christianese and good Bible language...LOL)

But if we all take a few minutes to reflect on what was our relationship roots, we will see that they play a pivotal role on how we develop our relationships and even how we view commitment and marriage.  So what do you see?  Do you see how your first relationships communicated what you now perceive as your expectations, desires, and even your own feelings of inadequacies?  This is important, because being able to allow the Lord to examine you helps you identify some of the relationship patterns so He can begin the work in you.

I know, I said this wasn’t going to be the standard pep talk on learning to love you and it isn’t! I will offer this; have you learned to acknowledge the love that already surrounds you? 

Most times we look for “love” based on those first perceptions of what love should be; what love should do and how love should make us feel. Not recognizing on a consistent basis that we are surrounded by LOVE!  His love! Manifested in a billion ways. 

If you think along the lines that He promised to supply all of our needs, then surely you must know and  He will supply your need to be loved and your need to love. But recognizing this love is difficult because of those imprints of the first relationships and what the world says to us about relationships.  So if we can’t see it surely we can’t apply it, which makes appropriating the love that we need to give even the more challenging.

Marital status from forever has been a form of social status.  It is still true that men who are married are perceived to be more stable than say his single counter-part; and a woman who is married is perceived to be a good home maker and resourceful. But this is so not the case, you don’t know how many people who are married who are jacked up from the floor up and don’t have a CLUE on what a God covenant marriage really is and yes…I do mean people in the church.  

Singleness as this stigma…that if you are in fact single and it is not by choice, then there must be something wrong with you.  It is the unspoken statement that, “You, being however many plus years and have not been able to cultivate a relationship that affirms these qualities and values in you!?!?”  And you can say, “No, I know that I am virtuous or I know I am a man of valor” all you want!  But if you’re the only person in your cheerleading squad, that rant will get tired quick and so will you.  And will begin to question, why hasn’t this happened for me?

Which leads to doubts of who we are, what we are worth, even God’s love for us. These misconceptions of who we are and what we really need can easily get skewed as we respond to that urgency of the need of validation.  The misapplication of love and the overwhelming desire to be loved sometimes causes us to barter.  Often offering too much of ourselves for things that we already have access to and simply don’t know it.

Just take the rest of the evening to marinate on these thoughts and please comment!  Again, I don’t have all the answers… managing this single saved life is not cookie cutter.  There are some similarities we have in this but we all have the foundational experiences in love and life that make managing this stage life unique.  And though scary at times, it can be beautiful… and this I know! 

When He Speaks

His voice is so pure, if you wonder why some folks cry when in worship. It is not like anything you will ever experience.  It soothes deeper than grandma's, gives more wisdom than daddy's...I am talking about this voice that I hear when I don't ask for an audience with Him but decides to heighten my awareness of His presence by simply speaking...

I find something so amazingly beautiful when He speaks, when you have not initiated the conversation.  It is the reminder, the evidence that you are on His mind.  That He is aware, observing what it is that you need the most and responding simply because He cares, simply because He loves you.  It is a wooing greater than any lover! And though He speak to and through me...it is moments like these that knock me off my feet...when He speaks.

A Good Soldier

II Timothy 2:3- "Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus."

Transparent Moment: This season of my life has been so challenging. I have incurred loss and disappointments beyond measure. Yet...every time I feel like it is too much, every time my heart rehearses the hurt the Holy Ghost finds a way to speak peace, reaffirm joy and encourages me to stand.

Don't get me wrong, I know suffering. I was not born rich or perfect. I know what it means to suffer because of bad judgment, poor decisions, lack of discipline, you name it...But there is something about suffering when have done all you can to be "right". To live right, to love right to give RIGHT! It is a different kind of cross to bear. And human nature wants some form of vindication, satisfaction some relief because it is painful! And it causes you to die! Die to your will and the demands of your carnal nature to "GET OUT" of the press. I know I haven't made it this far in my own strength or my own merit I know that it is the Lord who has strengthened me and encourages me to continue to stand.

So, this is just a word, to encourage, and to remind you that if you "having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness…" - Ephesians 6:13-14 (KJV)